Things undone… Words Unsaid…..

There are people being with whom you grow up... Learn lessons and evolve. When you are learning those important lessons, you’ll never realize that they are worth and useful and hence you’ll never thank them enough for fueling your learning process.

Letters to Pari -1

Your eyes were the best. I had admired you and loved you. I always saw you as my role model. I accepted you to lead me the very first day I met you. I saw all the qualities I possessed in you - in more reformed versions and all the other qualities I yearned to have in me. Being with you, I learned to dream. You thought me to set goals and work for it. You thought me to set goals for others too. Importantly I learnt discipline being with you and Sindhu. Though I would’ve learnt all these on my own, I wouldn’t have had that level of perfection of doing them. In my hard times, I used think how Pari would react and tried doing the same things you would do to deal with the problems. Together we were a lot of girl power in the college.

A hundred exams we wrote together and scored 100s… but even in those 100s, I felt your 100 was more perfect than mine. I wasn’t jealous when you topped and I stood second in the board exams. I was too happy that we both bet our common enemy- Shilpa. My respect for you grew as you lead me, topped exam after exams. I hadn’t even once thought I could beat you. I didn’t want to beat you anyway. I owed you too much which I couldn’t repay and so I didn’t want to THANK YOU. That was the first word that now I so much feel like I should’ve told you. To do that I would have to quantify things and put them in to words and with a little bit of struggling I would’ve told you. If I had told you that, I wouldn’t have dragged things this far. It would’ve been the end. But.... I didn’t.

Then when we joined different colleges in different cities I had missed you big time. I used to name a thing as Pari and talk to it timelessly like an insane person. I read a book by name Roopa Darshi in which an artist sees a small beautiful child. He makes a painting of him that would have all the innocence in the world on that child’s face. For years that child’s face would become the artist’s inspiration to do many beautiful paintings. When the artist gets old, he tries to find the child and when he finally finds him, he realizes that the child has grown up in to an evil. I related this to much of me that I used to think that though you are my inspiration to live, when I find you again I would find the old sweet friend of me in you.

I did find you. But by then I had learnt that you had cheated me, lied to me almost the time when I used to think its your love and care that’s holding me close to you. Even in those lies, you were elegant and you had convinced me that you can never lie. That day when I realized that I was cheated, I so much wanted to say @#$% OFF. I didn’t…. If I had, then it would’ve been over and I would’ve forgotten things and given time, I would’ve forgiven you too… But I didn’t….

Though I didn’t tell you that, its effect was well felt and now when I meet you on the roadside, I see not the poise that had driven me towards you but guilt. After all these years of growing up, I want to say you SORRY.... But....

We have made a lot of things complex. Let’s talk please….

Picture Perfect

Some moments are meant to be cherished for life time. My friend Deepa’s picture perfect story goes like this:

It was in the evening when we landed on the KanyaKumari beach and the sun was sinking in to the blue sea. In the bus only I was day dreaming about you - that one day in the cool breeze of the setting sun, we both would walk on the sands of the lonely beach, hand in hand. I had imagined all the possible assurance and love in the firmness with which you held my hand. I knew things were beautiful in dreams and at that moment I loved to dream about you forever and forever.

As these thoughts elapsed in my mind, a gleam in my eye was stuck and everybody in the bus gave me a second look as if they recognized that I am possessing super natural energy... Well that’s the thing called Love.

I was deeply in love with you and I was floating in the air - every second as I imagined the good things that we would do together. It gave me unquantifiable pleasures that were unknown to me all my life.

Only one month previous to this I was told about you, that you were one of the highly successful software engineer sons of my wealthy uncles and that you were very good at academics and all that. All my relatives were gaga about you that you had come back after 3 years of software solitude in Americas. All of my cousins wanted to associate themselves with you. Long before you came to India, you were famous.

When I first saw you in our tour to kanyakumari and other places down south, my heart skipped a beat and my mouth was squarely open for more than a second in the process of trying to believe what’s just been seen with my eyes. You were the most charismatic person I had ever seen in my life. In all the day-dreams of mine after that, it was your eyes that were the sources of light (both physical and philosophical light I mean).

In the bus journey, you had noticed that I was starting to like you. How much I wished that you noticed. You had deeply analyzed the long and hideous stares exchanged between us, moments of more than often smiling, moments of over reacting when you were near.. etc...

And I knew that you were analyzing, - taking time to understand what exactly is happening in my head and – heart. You had reacted very casually, or matured-ly I must say. You never let anyone know that there were some powerful transactions running between our eyes. Helping to this was your ‘not so social’ and shy conversating skills. You spoke less to everyone and that’s what attracted me the most. But later in the same bus drive, when you really starting speaking to me, not with the eyes but with the words, I started getting scared that you might lose the appeal as ‘the wanted one’ by me. Well… my fear was only short lived as you made it ease with me and my first cousins with humble and friendly words.. At that time also I felt that its your eyes that did the most part of conversation with me.

When we stepped in to the ocean water at kanya kumari, the waters were violent but I always wished to stand facing the torrent waters of the sea. I was standing in water till knee height and you came and held my hand. I was shocked when I realized that it was you who held my hand. You asked me whether I wanted to go further and stand in the way of high waves as if that was your idea too. We went further bravely holding hand in hand. Your fingers were leaner than mine but very firm. When the water reached to our abdomens, you looked straight in to my eyes and said some thing..

Chethan: You love me?
Me: (Shocked for the second time) I think Yes! (I shrugged hesitantly)
Chethan: I think so too! (A little sigh)
Me: What? You think I love you ? (Thinking more on practical terms)
Chethan: No.. I think I love you too…(A small laugh)

Hmm that’s my story. My perfect moment of life...4 years ago. I am getting married to Chethan in the next month.

Glad to be Alive!

We had arrived at my uncle’s home at Hyderabad on Friday evening and our bus was scheduled at 7 in the evening. We had coffee and left soon. We caught the bus and started our supposed to be happy and comfortable journey from Hyderabad to Bangalore.

At 9 o clock, the bus stopped for the dinner at the Lakshmi narayana Bhavan and we all happily had our night meal. That time we heard that the Karnool Bridge has been flooded and we can’t go ahead as there is 6 ft water running on the bridge. The driver was worried. We saw some buses and trucks running in the same road so we thought we can also head forward. It was 11:30 in the night when the traffic came to a close. There was a police man standing near a truck and he instructed us to park the bus on the side of the road and wait till next day morning to see if the water on the bridge descends so that we can use the bridge to cross the Krishna River.

It was drizzling all the way when we were preparing ourselves to spend the night on the road. We thought to have a little walk and find out how serious is the waters on the bridge. So we left the bus and started walking in the chilling cold and rain. There was an abandoned lorry locked at the center of the bridge. The water level was till its tires. There was a tea shop and a temple engulfed with water at the outer edge of the bridge.

A few police men were around the river directing trucks to go back if the river level rose. They didn’t allow us to even touch the flowing water as the currents were too fierce. We took some pics of the police and the long standing trucks and other vehicles and walked back to the bus when it rained heavily and we fully got drenched in the rain. The bus was full soggy. It was around 4 km from the bus to the bridge in the night. We came back to the bus and slept hopefully that the water would descend. A few tv channel vans hurried in to cover the news of raising waters on the bridge.

I was deep asleep when a rescue operator came in to the bus and woke us up by hitting the window next to me. I woke up shocked. He handed me a bottle of mineral water and some biscuits. I was fully awake when he got down from the bus handing over same pockets to everyone. We saw a bus full of police reaching us and ordering immediate evacuation of the village – Rangapura where we had parked our bus. The villagers knew that the crest gates of Almatti dam had been put open in the night and that the water flow would increase further and they found it reasonable to evacuate themselves from their houses (Homes) to a nearby town – Jedcharla. Soon the villagers started with the evacuation of cattle and other livestock. There was no power in the village for nearly 6 hrs and hence no tv and no phone. As it rained all most of the time, there was no news paper to know about the news. We knew we were trapped. But they kept saying that the river would recede and we still could cross the river on the bridge. The night before that it took us 4 km to reach the actual bridge and the water but when I had woken up that day, I was able to see water – just 2 km away from us. The river had risen. The lorry which had water till its tire level on the bridge was only visible with its upper wedge and the temple and the tea shops were drowned without trace.

At 10:00 AM the first Red Cross van approached us to monitor the medical health conditions of those who were trapped. As we were all physically fit, it didn’t matter to us much. There was a village in the course of the river where there was a small hill and when the waters started to flow in huge volumes, the people sought shelter of the hill. So when their village was fully flooded, the people on the hill had to be air lifted and any communication with them was through helicopter. The first rescue - army helicopter reached the spot at 11:30 and started distributing the food pockets to those people on the hill.

We had passed the breakfast time and we were too hungry. My mother gave us two biscuits each and said that’s our breakfast. By then there were a number of rescue operators on the road distributing biscuits, plain water and food pockets. My phone had expired on the night before and only ray of hope was my father’s phone in connection with my brother.

We waited till night in the hope that the bridge will be available for us to cross the river. In the mean time we learnt that the Riachur Bridge had collapsed thereby closing one of the vital links between Hyderabad and Bangalore. The day before that the Srisailam bridge had been shredded too. So we had only two other ways. Back to Hyderabad – Vijaywada – Guntur – Nellore – naidupeta – Tirupathi – Bangalore or Hyderbad – Cudappah – Hindupur – Bangalore. The driver was too confused about the routes and he found out that both the roads have been water clogged and so we had to wait till the rain stops to proceed any further. At 10 in the night, the army official confirmed that the water on the Karnool Bridge seems not receding and waiting there would be in vein.

To reach to Bangalore, we had to - had to cross the Krishna River unless we went round about at Mahabaleshwar where the river takes birth. All the bridges on its way from Mahabaleshwar to the sea were either broken or water clogged. But the only exception was the bridge in the middle of Vijaywada city. I had loved that bridge and the crest gates of the dam. I had seen earlier the water being released from those gates - I only hoped that the bridge be strong enough for us to cross the river.

We spent the night near Karnool on the road and at 5 in the morning we started our journey from Karnool to Hyderabad. From Hyderabad, We went to Kammam as Hyderabad – Vijaywada road was water clogged. Finally when we reached Vijaywada, it was 4 in the afternoon. Only when I saw Vijaywada bus stand, I thought we are going to make it to home. Vijaywada is special to me in many ways. I always had loved the city. I knew a lot of places and we had my father’s guest house. So we decided if we cannot cross the bridge, we would stay in that guest house. But soon we found the bus to Bangalore that left at 5 in the evening. The next day at 11, I was at office only glad to be alive with biscuits for more than 60hrs.

Six Years Ago

6th October 2003

Six years back I was in those first few days of BMSCE. It was a whole new world- A world of abysmal despair, a world of severe homesickness, a world of million opportunities, a world of limitless hope, and a world of infinite possibilities. When I got the first call on my uncle’s landline from Dilip it was too early in the morning. My uncle and aunt didn’t know anything about it. As they were all sleeping I spoke quietly and went back to sleep. The second was from Kavyashree and by then aunt knew that it was in fact my birthday.
Later I got ready wearing the new ill fitting dress to college and in college nobody knew that it’s my birthday. All the previous years I had blissful times on birthdays and on that day there was not even word spoken about it. It felt suicidal and I cried a lot. That was the first day when I started really feeling the ‘Away from home’ blues. All the Earlier times I had ignored and denied the homesickness in me. But that day when the rain swept my tears on the road near Ramakrishna Ashram, I understood what it meant. It was a sickening feeling and I was dreaded.
Day by day, as I started spending time with the new found friends, the despair and anxiety in me were replaced with fun and laughter. I never realized how those six years went by in just two minutes.