Things undone… Words Unsaid…..

There are people being with whom you grow up... Learn lessons and evolve. When you are learning those important lessons, you’ll never realize that they are worth and useful and hence you’ll never thank them enough for fueling your learning process.

Letters to Pari -1

Your eyes were the best. I had admired you and loved you. I always saw you as my role model. I accepted you to lead me the very first day I met you. I saw all the qualities I possessed in you - in more reformed versions and all the other qualities I yearned to have in me. Being with you, I learned to dream. You thought me to set goals and work for it. You thought me to set goals for others too. Importantly I learnt discipline being with you and Sindhu. Though I would’ve learnt all these on my own, I wouldn’t have had that level of perfection of doing them. In my hard times, I used think how Pari would react and tried doing the same things you would do to deal with the problems. Together we were a lot of girl power in the college.

A hundred exams we wrote together and scored 100s… but even in those 100s, I felt your 100 was more perfect than mine. I wasn’t jealous when you topped and I stood second in the board exams. I was too happy that we both bet our common enemy- Shilpa. My respect for you grew as you lead me, topped exam after exams. I hadn’t even once thought I could beat you. I didn’t want to beat you anyway. I owed you too much which I couldn’t repay and so I didn’t want to THANK YOU. That was the first word that now I so much feel like I should’ve told you. To do that I would have to quantify things and put them in to words and with a little bit of struggling I would’ve told you. If I had told you that, I wouldn’t have dragged things this far. It would’ve been the end. But.... I didn’t.

Then when we joined different colleges in different cities I had missed you big time. I used to name a thing as Pari and talk to it timelessly like an insane person. I read a book by name Roopa Darshi in which an artist sees a small beautiful child. He makes a painting of him that would have all the innocence in the world on that child’s face. For years that child’s face would become the artist’s inspiration to do many beautiful paintings. When the artist gets old, he tries to find the child and when he finally finds him, he realizes that the child has grown up in to an evil. I related this to much of me that I used to think that though you are my inspiration to live, when I find you again I would find the old sweet friend of me in you.

I did find you. But by then I had learnt that you had cheated me, lied to me almost the time when I used to think its your love and care that’s holding me close to you. Even in those lies, you were elegant and you had convinced me that you can never lie. That day when I realized that I was cheated, I so much wanted to say @#$% OFF. I didn’t…. If I had, then it would’ve been over and I would’ve forgotten things and given time, I would’ve forgiven you too… But I didn’t….

Though I didn’t tell you that, its effect was well felt and now when I meet you on the roadside, I see not the poise that had driven me towards you but guilt. After all these years of growing up, I want to say you SORRY.... But....

We have made a lot of things complex. Let’s talk please….